THE APPLIED BILL OF RIGHTS
Ever feel like the government is using "another" version of the Bill
of Rights instead of the one you and I read? Maybe they're using the
following one, which comes to us courtesy of the Economic Government
Group. The author is unknown. Thanks to Roy Lieberman for forwarding
it to me. (We've cut it slightly for space reasons.) You may not agree
with all the views expressed below -- I don't myself -- but this is
one funny and thought-provoking read. Enjoy!
* * *
AMENDMENT I
Congress shall make no law establishing religion, but shall act as if
it did; and shall make no laws abridging the freedom of speech, unless
such speech can be construed as "commercial speech" or "irresponsible
speech" or "offensive speech;" or shall [not] abridge the right of the
people to peaceably assemble where and when permitted; or shall [not]
abridge the right to petition the government for a redress of
grievances, under proper procedures.
AMENDMENT II
A well-regulated military force shall be maintained under control of
the President, and no entity within the United States shall maintain a
military force beyond Presidential control. Any Amendment to this
Constitution barring involuntary servitude shall not be applied to
conscription by the military. The right of the people to keep and bear
arms shall be determined by the Congress and the States and the Cities
and the Counties and the Towns and someone named Fred.
AMENDMENT III
No soldier shall, in time of peace, be quartered in any house without
the consent of the owner, unless such house is believed to have been
used, or believed may be used, for some purpose contrary to law or
public policy.
AMENDMENT IV
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers,
and effects against unreasonable searches and seizures may not be
suspended except to protect public welfare. Any place or conveyance
shall be subject to search by law enforcement forces of any political
division, and any such places or conveyances, or any property within
them, may be confiscated without judicial proceeding if suspected of
being used in a manner contrary to law.
AMENDMENT V
Any person may be held to answer for a crime of any kind, or for
utterance interpretable as planning or encouraging one, upon just
suspicion; and may be put in jeopardy of life and liberty by the state
courts and by the federal judiciary, and of jeopardy of life while
incarcerated; and may be compelled to be a witness against himself by
the submission of his body or any portion thereof when so ordered by
empowered authority, or by testimony in proceedings excluding criminal
trial. Private property forfeited or confiscated under judicial
authority shall become the property of the governments of competent
jurisdiction and shall be immune from seizure by injured parties.
AMENDMENT VI
In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to
avoid prosecution by exhausting the legal process and its
practitioners. Failure to succeed shall result in speedy
plea-bargaining. Convicted persons shall be entitled to appeal until
sentence is completed. It shall be unlawful to bar or deter an
incompetent person, but encouraged to bar a fully informed person,
from service on a jury.
AMENDMENT VII
In civil suits, where a contesting party is a person whose private
life may interest the public, the right of trial in the Press shall
not be abridged.
AMENDMENT VIII
Sufficient bail may be required to ensure that dangerous persons
remain in custody pending trial. There shall be no right of the public
to be afforded protection from dangerous persons, and such protection
shall be dependent upon incarceration facilities available.
AMENDMENT IX
The enumeration in The Constitution of certain rights shall be
construed to deny or discourage others which may from time to time be
extended by the branches of Federal, State or Local government, unless
such rights shall themselves become enacted by Amendment.
AMENDMENT X
The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution
shall be deemed to be powers residing in persons holding appointment
therein through the Civil Service, and may be delegated to the States
and local Governments as determined by the public interest. The public
interest shall be determined by the Civil Service.
Would be much funnier if not so true...RAH