The act, signed into law by President Clinton shortly after its passage, is being
hailed as a major victory for the millions upon millions of U.S. citizens who lack any
real skills or uses.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans--through no fault of their own--do not possess the
talent necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said
Clinton, a longtime ANA supporter. "Their lives are futile hamster-wheel existences
of unrewarding, dead-end busywork: xeroxing documents written by others,
fulfilling mail-in rebates for Black & Decker toaster ovens, and processing
bureaucratic forms that nobody will ever see. Sadly, for these millions of nonabled
Americans, the American dream of working hard and moving up through the ranks
is simply not a reality."
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million important-
sounding "middle man" positions will be created in the white-collar sector
for nonabled persons, providing them with an illusory sense of purpose and
ability. Mandatory, non-performance based raises and promotions will also
be offered to create a sense of upward mobility for even the most unremarkable,
utterly replaceable employees.
The legislation also provides corporations with incentives to hire nonabled
workers, including tax breaks for those who hire one non-germane worker
for every two talented hirees.
Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act also contains tough new measures to
prevent discrimination against the nonabled by banning prospective employers from
asking such job-interview questions as, "What can you bring to this organization?"
and "Do you have any special skills that would make you an asset to this company?"
"As a nonabled person, I frequently find myself unable to keep up with co-workers
who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as
an unessential filing clerk at a Minneapolis tile wholesaler last month because of her
lack of notable skills. "This new law should really help people like me." With the
passage of the Americans With No Abilities Act, Gertz and millions of other
untalented, inessential citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Said Clinton: "It is our duty, both as lawmakers and as human beings, to provide
each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her lack of value to society,
some sort of space to take up in this great nation."