WORLD IDEOLOGIES EXPLAINED BY REFERENCE TO COWS
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in
a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows.
The government gives you a glass of milk.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take
care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your
neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most
"need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop
dead of starvation.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but
the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you
can and sell it on the black market.
PERESTROIKA: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the
Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and
sell it on the "free" market.
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and
shoots you.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts
you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the
milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone
to tell you who gets the milk.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what
you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to
milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the
milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting
for the missing milk and cows.
CAPITALISM: You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to
buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.
PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair
price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take
harmonica lessons.
OLYMPICS-ISM: You have two cows, one American, one Chinese. With the
help of trilling violins and state of the art montage photography, John
Tesh narrates the moving tale of how the American cow overcame the agony
of growing up in a suburb with (gasp) divorced parents, then mentions in
passing that the Chinese cow was beaten every day by a tyrannical farmer
and watched its parents butchered before its eyes. The American cow wins
the competition, severely spraining an udder in a gritty performance,
and gets a multi-million dollar contract to endorse Wheaties. The
Chinese cow is led out of the arena and shot by Chinese government
officials, though no one ever hears about it. McDonald's buys the meat
and serves it hot and fast at its Beijing restaurant.
AMERICAN CORPORATE CAPITALISM AS SEEN BY THE LIBERAL MEDIA : Both cows are bloated with toxic
steroids. They are set out to graze on privatized public parks, release
massive amounts of flatulence that destroys the ozone layer, die from
excess ultraviolet light, and are processed into meat-like products that
look great as a result of clever and unprincipled marketing strategies.
When you mortgage your artificially devalued farm at high interest rates
in order to buy meat, you consume the poisoned material and develop
terminal illnesses because there is no health care plan to treat you.
The corporate management uses your purchase price to acquire THEIR meat
from cows raised "naturally" on tree-free rain forest land outside of
the country where labor and resources are cheap.
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